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The latest addition to Brown’s recreational facilities is by far its most luxurious yet, as indicated by the Nelson Fitness Center’s requirement to present a valid student ID and valid full tuxedo to an attendant upon entrance.
“It’s great we require both photo IDs and tuxedos in here, since I wouldn’t want just anyone to be able to sneak in,” said Jackie Henderson ’13, running on the elliptical while two butlers calmly held the train of her silk ball gown. “I don’t want some random man to come in here off the street in non-diamond cuff links and stare at me while my makeup is at risk of running. I have safety concerns.”
The Nelson Fitness Center has been applauded for its brand new equipment, including new treadmills, computerized stationary bikes and a raw oyster fountain. Henderson is just one of many students who support student IDs and full tuxedos at a gym equipped with a state-of-the-art air conditioning system and a live orchestra that only performs Beethoven’s classics.
“I’m glad I have to show my ID and tuxedo every time I come here, because I know Brown community members will respect the equipment in ways others might not,” stated Frank Johnson ’13, clad in a full Armani tuxedo and bench-pressing 150 pounds on the butler press, a custom weight machine designed for lifting butlers.
“I always tip Daniel here generously," he said, "And make sure I don’t crush his bones in a particularly strong adrenaline rush. An outsider might hurt him, or just kidnap him all willy-nilly.”
Students have also emphasized how much happier they feel wearing a full tuxedo in the champagne filled pool, as the weight of the expensive fabrics is rumored to intensify greatly the physical payoff of the workouts.
“If we didn’t have to show both a school ID or tuxedo, I would feel uncomfortable meeting my personal trainer here, because I wouldn’t want him revealing my customized training regimen to just anybody,” said Jeremy Peterson ’14 while filling up his reusable bottle from the Sauvignon Blanc fountain. “If someone on the street caught wind of Johnson’s patented combination of simultaneously advising me to invest my money in high risk start-ups as well as lift a heavy ball behind my head to work my triceps, I guarantee you I would lose my edge at this fine university immediately.”
“I’m sure it would be impossible to register for the great selection of classes here if the gym were open to those not enrolled at the university or their local Nordstrom club card program,” stated Holly Finnegan ’15, wiping her brow with an 18th century doily. “I definitely wouldn’t have been able to get myself or my bodyguard into aerobic ballroom dancing, zumba ballroom dancing, or yogic ballroom dancing this semester if this gym weren’t exclusive.”
Users of the Keeney, Pembroke, and Bears Lair Satellite Gyms were too embarrassed to comment due to the aforementioned gyms’ no IDs and rags-only dress code.
