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It was reported last week that college females spend, on average, a ton of time perfecting their makeup before socializing. Their alleged focuses include reducing skin marks with cream stuff, emphasizing lips with a lip pencil and changing eye-shape with a different pencil — details that really pay off when men don’t notice.
“The subtlest changes to your appearance are what matter the most down here,” said the dark silhouette of Samantha Mueller ’14, speaking from the pitch-black Delta Tau basement. “Let’s just say it’s not a coincidence that I chose kissable-cherry #5 lip-gloss and that a random guy just tried to make out with me.”
Mueller’s hallmates, who earlier that night spent two hours perfecting the curvature of each other’s eyelashes only to later be shrouded by sweaty mist and darkness, agreed.
“I really wanted to be noticed tonight, which is why I picked out this special bottle of mascara that thickens and volumizes your lashes,” agreed the head of a different female body in a short black dress or skirt ‘14. “I’ve heard that your eyes are the first thing that you notice about a person, and that guy definitely couldn’t stop staring at them once he turned me around while we were grinding.”
She also emphasized that her matching hair clips, the healthy state of her nail beds and her great personality contributed to her successful night of socializing.
Shortly after, a large male behind her proceeded to make an hourglass shape with his hands. “That’s the shape of my mascara bottle!” she shouted, excited.
Still, some girls, such as Hanna Young ‘14, believe makeup can influence more than a drunken male’s ability to notice a face in a faceless mass of dancing bodies.
“What you wear down here really makes a statement,” said Young. “Like, that girl’s black eye-liner screams tramp. But this smoky-grey toned eye-liner that I’m wearing subtly says, ’Hi, I’m not trampy like that slut with black eye-liner.’ Guys really pick up on these things.”
Some women, however, are speaking out against this movement. Campus feminists have expressed concern that females’ excessive focus on perfecting their makeup is distracting them from perfecting other, more important aspects of their appearance — like clothes or shoes.
“Girls waste so much time fixing small imperfections that in the end, no one is going to notice,” stated Gertrude Francis ’12, who may or may not have been wearing makeup and was wearing a brand of clothes. “That’s why I focus my time on my wardrobe. Guys can tell when your clothes are cheap overseas knockoffs and when they’re handmade originals.”
When asked if she had any other advice for women struggling with wasting their time on tiny aspects of their physical appearance, Francis offered this advice: “If you have to, try to work as little as possible on your personality. Being friendly and easy to talk to on a night out screams ‘desperate.’”
