Partly Cloudy, 64°
"Well 'ello there, guvnah," bellowed an enthused Patrick Horton '14. Sir Horton, a bright-eyed youth, stood clad in a freshly ironed suit, a top hat, and a glistening monocle. He hails from "er. London, yes, London!", England, and plans to concentrate in "why, English, naturally." His classmates, however, believe he should instead "concentrate on changing his fake English accent, because he sounds like a bloody twat."
"Toodle pip," "tally ho," and "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" are among the many phrases that Horton regularly bellows at various orientation events. His accent has been described as "the confused product of a ménáge á trois between Mary Poppins, Austin Powers, and that CGI gecko from those Geico commercials." Moreover, he has garnered much attention by insisting on calling all acquaintances either "mate," "m'lady," or "stupid American." This choice of vocabulary reportedly did not bode well with his advisor during their first meeting.
"Blimey, I don't understand," said Horton in an interview Tuesday. "Sure, I speak British, not English. Sure, I ride the lift. But really, I'm just like you chaps. I enjoy a jolly good English muffin with jam. Only in Mother England, we just call them muffins."
"Long live the Queen!" he added emphatically, arms outstretched and eyes teary.
Although Horton adamantly insists on his British heritage, his classmates have already traded hypotheses concerning the motivations behind the freshman's questionable habits of speech. "He totally be macking on the ladies," theorized fellow Pembroke resident Josh Talbot '14. "My man Horton thinks the whole Rowan Atkinson act will spark the dorm-cest." Recent reports indicate, however, that Horton's Britishness has had the opposite effect, as women in his dorm have mistaken his accent for plain dandyism.
Nevertheless, many other freshmen have suddenly adopted various foreign accents as well, following Horton's lead. Of these students, though, the only one who has seen relative success in his "endeavors" has been Vlad Ustinov, who, hallmates report, "kind of sounds like that Russian boxer from Rocky IV."
