Partly Cloudy, 64°
After an orientation filled with waving awkwardly at girls in his dormitory, standing silently on the outside of multiple circles of students at the ice cream social, and getting zero responses to his mass hangout text messages, Thomas Moore ’16 had nothing to comfort him Friday night but his recently purchased poster of a baby doing a kegstand.
“Thomas, Thomas, Thomas. If I, a freshly born baby, can be at a party with all these scantily clad ladies dancing around me, you can get off your non-diaper-wearing butt and have a drink,” said the two-dimensional baby, supporting itself on arms too chubby and soft realistically to hold up its blubbery body.
Moore immediately sat up in his bed and swiveled around obediently to stare at the baby that clearly did not present identification to gain access to the keg it was currently kegstanding. “So what, you ate dinner at the Ratty tonight alone? So what, people didn’t laugh at that video of a duck riding a horse? You’re just as cool as me, maybe even cooler because I only eat mashed up foods, so let’s get out there and party just like John Belushi did in ‘Animal House,’” the baby added.
Four hours later, the baby only offered confused, panicked apologies as Moore stared at the poster while a girl sat bored at the foot of his bed.
