Partly Cloudy, 64°
Esteemed physicists, scholars, alchemists and blood-letters: Welcome, one and all, to the pinnacle of discovery. After the final drop of pheasant’s blood and one last crank to the gears, I was unsure whether the world would even exist in the year 2012. But by God, if it does not. Merely half a millennium into the future, carriages will race at the speed of bullets, powdery capsules will instantly eradicate the spirits that sicken our bodies, and all members of society will possess small, beautiful light boxes filled with constantly fornicating women.
I admit I doubted the existence of God while attempting to bend the fabric of time, but these millions of magic boxes clearly prove otherwise.
My fellow constituents, humanity’s grasp of technology is simply astounding, to a point where I fear I cannot truly explain. Not only have future scientists forced the sun to emit from tiny glass bulbs day and night, but they have also invented some form of shrink ray specifically used to shrink morally loose women. Not only have our descendants built gigantic metal birds that transport humans from continent to continent, but they have also invented multicolored, levitating pinwheels that spin in midair before vanishing. It would seem the latter is a fairly unpopular technology, as when one floats among the tiny women it triggers them to temporarily stop fornicating.
Settle down, settle down; your hushed murmurs will soon be quelled. I understand your initial disbelief—traveling half a millennium into the future may be a believable feat, I agree. But for an entire society to have access to tiny women in light boxes that do not stop fornicating, even if they notice a man watching them, even if the man shakes his box or turns said box upside down?
You see, in the future, laws exist to ensure fundamental rights that we as a society never dreamed possible. Citizens are guaranteed the right to free speech and fair trial. Both men and women are guaranteed basic “human rights,” and thus cannot be legally subjected to either torture or slavery. It is not punishable by public hanging in a town square to watch tiny women fornicate for hours on end in a tiny, illuminated box. Even when a tiny law-enforcement official is present in one of the boxes, he does not un-shrink himself and drag the observer to the nearest dungeon. Nay, he instead joins in the fornication.
And yet, while the future is blessed with such marvels as automatic sewage disposal, future men wage brutal wars using explosives capable of leveling entire cities. Future empires have triggered a global heating cycle that threatens to raise sea levels high enough to immerse entire cities in water. And, after about four hours of the magic boxes not being attached to the wall, the tiny fornicating women disappear behind a pitch-black screen.
Despite the wonder and promise that the future holds, this last point alone is enough to make a grown man cry for the post-2012 fate of his own species.
But take note, my constituents, that future civilization moves forward at an unparalleled pace without fearing these tragedies in the slightest, or merely even glancing at them. Please, if you would, lower your pitchforks and extinguish your torches. After all, future society sleeps in blankets with sleeves and pockets. Future society has foodstuffs branded as high speed, available for purchase 24 hours a day. Future society treats rocks as domesticated animals, when used as such. And future society watches hundreds of millions of hours of fornicating women within tiny, illuminated, God-powered boxes every year.
Esteemed physicists, scholars, alchemists and blood-letters: I have been to the future, and I have seen their light boxes filled with fornicating women. And for them, I must return.
