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Looking for a top-line quarterback that could add a bit of grit and experience to a unit that was already clicking as an offense, Islamic militants made the first big-name move in the lead up to yesterday’s Al Qaeda trade deadline.
“The way Brady plays the game is something we wanted to try to add, something we identified,” Al Qaeda General Manager Mokhtar Belmokhtar stated. “In the past we’ve generally focused on trading weaker hostages for experienced militants being unjustly held in godless infidel lands, but after seeing the way Brady drives the ball, we knew we needed to switch up our strategy.”
Belmokhtar believes in Brady’s power-forward tendencies, including his willingness to rush and his physicality on the field, will be invaluable skills in overpowering established teams like the Western Hemisphere.
“I was just looking to add a forward like him, a Super Bowl-veteran guy,” stated Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda’s offensive specialist. “We considered Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and Sufyan Ben Qumu from Guantanamo Bay, and Joe Flacco from the Baltimore Ravens, but their offensive stats were just nothing compared to Brady’s.”
Mohammed and Ben Qumu have only organized about 10 large-scale terror incidents in total, compared to Brady’s 5,235 passing yards in 2012 alone.
“It was not easy to get him. Hamas offered three U.S. hostages as well as the arrest of two of its top officials, but in the end the New England Patriots could not refuse our offer,” al-Zawahiri elaborated.
Patriots coach Bill Belichick admitted that both the U.S. hostage’s familiarity with the home terrain and his supportive family were attractive selling points.
“His ability to remain alive for years in a high stress environment without adequate nutrition will definitely translate into some A-game football,” Belichick stated. “He used to be a journalist, so I have no doubt he’ll be able to match Brady’s abilities to keep track of all our plays and complete 50-yard touchdowns.”
Both Brady and the hostage are expected to begin training next week, although Brady is not expected to start until later this terrorism season.
“We have no doubt he’s an amazing player, but we’d like to give him a little time to get acclimated,” stated Belmokhtar, “Give him a chance to meet the other players, learn the language and really let the fans get to know him a little more.”
