Partly Cloudy, 64°
Hannah, babe, don’t look at me that way. You know it kills me when you look at me that way. We’ve been over this before, and we both knew this day had to come. I just want to make sure we’re clear, though—it’s not you, it’s this breakup song I need to write.
This has been nothing but an amazing two years for us. You’re beautiful, smart, talented—everything I could ever want in a woman. It’s just that I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I’m looking for some really sentimental and heartbreaking lyrics for my next breakup song. And I’m a method writer, so it looks like this is the end of the line for us.
Hannah, don’t cry, don’t cry babe. I’m going to need you to scream at me and maybe throw a vase of red roses against a wall instead. I think that’s a really powerful image to put into a breakup song, and I know we could channel this sadness into something much more useful than crying.
I know this will be hard for both of us, breakups are never fun or easy, regardless of the kind of heart-wrenchingly beautiful lyrics they produce. You probably think it’s easy for me, being the one breaking up with you, but that simply isn’t the case. I’m the one with the Herculean task of piecing intricate words together to make a melodically pleasing yet gut-wrenchingly relatable song, whereas all you need to do is eat Ben and Jerry’s and hate men with your friends.
I’m sorry, that sounded insensitive. That was meant to elicit a reaction other than you just staring at me. Slam a door. Tell me you’ll never see me again. Make me feel unworthy of your love.
No I haven’t been seeing someone else. I’m not looking to write a breakup song about me cheating on you, Hannah. I hate those kinds of breakup songs, and you know I’d never stoop so low as to write one. I share these types of things with you, and I’m offended you think I’d withhold that kind of information.
Don’t get too down on yourself, Hannah. We’ll both meet someone new, someone who can give us exactly what we need. For me, it will be a record producer specializing in sentimental and intricately true-to-life breakup songs. For you, another man, if you can ever learn to trust again. But I’m rambling again, that’s the kind of song you should be writing.
Just know that I will always love you. And I’m not just saying that to test the rhythms for my beautiful, beautiful song, Hannah. I know the rhythms. And I know you’re beautiful, and smart, and sexy and someday you’ll find that perfect man who marries you under thousands of flowers in a Southern manor with both of your huge families present and writes a beautiful marriage song about it.
Just watch out, Hannah. Think hard; think if that’s what you really want. Because I hear country singers are wild about divorce ballads.
