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It was confirmed yesterday that the little people labor camp run by an obese reindeer breeder at the North Pole is real and not a farfetched story your mother used to tell you when you were a child.
“I knew it, I knew he was real,” smiled Little Timmy, revealing two missing front teeth. “I always knew the round, diabetic, fur aficionado who trespassed on our property and ate our baked goods every December 25th at midnight was real and not some crazy delusion. I believed!”
“I always told him to believe in the magic of Christmas, and if he was good, a man who travels around the world by whipping mutant elk attached to a sleigh would find him and bring him presents if we murdered and humiliated an adult fir tree,” said Timmy’s mom, sipping a spiked milk and egg protein shake. “And that if he were bad, the same man would stuff carcinogenic rocks in the oversized socks we nailed to the wall.”
“With any luck, the international fugitive will notice the multiple fluorescent lights my dad and I nailed to the house in the snow, get himself onto my roof and shimmy down my chimney first!” added Timmy. “That’ll show the Johnsons!”
Christmas being real additionally comes as a comfort to many, especially those who were made fun of or bullied in middle school for thinking that hundreds of thousands of little people could be put to work in Chinese-style factory conditions in one of the coldest and uninhabited regions of the planet.
“I sure am glad no one will think I’m crazy anymore for writing a letter every year to a man without a registered international address, or for singing songs about how a genetically modified reindeer went rogue and killed a grandmother,” said a relieved Grant Brandon ‘13 while licking a miniature peppermint flavored cane.
“Also, I just love making small-scale houses out of bread and throwing nuts in an open fire every year,” concluded Timmy’s mom, “I’m so glad that this discovery will allow us to continue these totally reasonable traditions."
