Aires: Don’t be thrown off your course, Aires. I’ve been busy, so I don’t know exactly what is going to happen to you this week, but trust the forces of the universe and good things might happen in your love life.
Taurus: Your stars are complicated right now, Taurus, and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would to figure them out. They didn’t look bad, though, so no need to worry.
Gemini: I don’t know exactly what’s in your fate this week, Gemini, I’ve had a lot going on. But I overheard someone say that Geminis will find happiness at home if they keep inviting positive energy into their lives. I recommend just trying that.
Cancer: If I remember correctly, Cancer, your last one was pretty bad. That means one should be good to even it out. That’s how it works.
Leo: You can figure this one out by yourself, Leo, just find a star chart on the internet and look tonight.
Aquarius: Do you know how much I get paid for this, Aquarius? Practically nothing. I really have too much to worry about right now to prioritize your fate.
Pisces: I have to hit my midnight deadline, Pisces, so nothing for you this week.
Sorry everyone else. I just didn’t have time. Google “horoscopes” if you’re really worried.