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In a highly anticipated move by the National Hockey League last week, professional ice rinks will now be required to replace all current open-air penalty boxes with electric superpenalty boxes nestled deep in the Earth’s molten core.
“The mineshaft elevator typically takes about 30 minutes to travel from the ice to the submerged punishment bunker,” stated NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “The perfect amount of time for a player who has just made an obscene gesture to think about the emotional impact they’ve had on everyone around them.”
Bettman and other NHL officials believe the various armed guards and mandatory tranquilizers included in the box are the most effective solution to solving the NHL’s rampant violations, including elbowing, distracting goaltenders and holding the puck in hand.
“When extreme violations occurred in the past, a fiberglass penalty box often could not hold unsportsmanlike players for the full two minutes,” stated Bettman, behind several guards with batons and police shields. “We would often get players flipping off members of an opposing team team, or worse, a referee. The diamond chains and flaming stalactites of the superpenalty box successfully prevent this from happening about 50 percent of the time.”
“Oh God,” he added, pointing at a player who was squishing his face up against the glass of an outdated penalty box with his tongue exposed. “This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.”
The first use of the superpenalty box is scheduled to occur Monday, when the Anaheim Ducks face off against the San Jose Sharks. The punishment chamber, however, is expected to be far too small to accommodate the entirety of both teams.
