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“See, God, I totally fucking called that. I brought out that killer extramarital affair sermon two weeks ago because I knew she’d freak when I said it, and she did,” Father Boyle thought from his confessional, in which Armstrong was crying a wall away. “Of course, you’ve known about this from the beginning of time, but I, a lowly priest, am still super amped that I was able to figure it out before the church ladies did.”
According to a mental correspondence between Father Grant Boyle and the Almighty Spirit, Boyle totally fucking knew two weeks ago that Christina Armstrong’s sultry stares down the aisle at Fredrick Quinn meant something more than either of them were letting on.
Boyle, a Diocesan priest of 50 years, is always up to date on the juiciest sins of his congregation, which makes him totally fucking spot-on correct about unholy conjectures such as this.
“This is nuts, she is literally crying to me right now that she cheated on her husband with Fredrick. Fredrick! This is fucking unreal,” he thought, hands clasped, looking upwards and not through the grated confessional window at Armstrong. “I told you so; I told you so; I fucking told you so. As in I was just reinforcing what you knew and have planned to happen for thousands of years, my Savior.”
Boyle, however, insists his lips are sealed, because he totally just locked his lips and threw away the key and also he would seriously never do that to his Holy Father, who he worships eternally.
“I knew it. Those two totally would, Fredrick and Christina. Father Johnson didn’t believe me, because I never told him, because I promised I wouldn’t,” he screamed in his head. “But if I had told him and if I had been condemned to a torturous eternal afterlife, he totally would be eating his words right now because I’m literally so beyond insightful it’s insane.”
“Say three Hail Marys before going to bed tonight, and repent before the Holy Spirit,” he added aloud to a crying Armstrong.
“I’m also fucking fantastic at giving advice,” he thought, before clasping his hands over his mouth and emitting a muffled, high-pitched squeal. “No wonder I’m everyone’s go-to guy.”
