Partly Cloudy, 64°
With 30 seconds left on the clock, quarterback Tom Brady on the 10-yard line and the Patriots three points down, Coach Bill Belichick pulled out a totally unrelatable play involving a thin, fragile stick figure Tom Brady chasing a long, squiggly arrow into the end zone.
“Coach, what the hell is this?” Brady was overheard yelling during a time out, rallying the team at the center of a huddle. “I understand that I’m supposed to fake a pass and run the ball into the end zone. I understand that their defense is definitely weaker if I fake right, go left, so I’ll do that and watch out for Number 11. But how am I supposed to run past Number 11 if I have these short, noodly looking legs, arms and torso you drew me with here?”
“The big, chiseled, 3-D version of Tom Brady would run for a touchdown, but noodly Tom Brady would definitely run the other direction,” he added.
In recent years, Belichick has tended to favor Brady’s large, muscular frame to run fourth downs to touchdowns at critical periods of games, and not a tiny, limp body that could potentially be shattered by a 300-pound defensive linebacker.
“Fine, I’ll make sure not to wait too long because, yes, I remember when 28 sacked me twice last year,” Brady said, searching desperately for the 2-D version of a helmet on his 2-D stick figure. “But if Number 28 sacks me again—be honest, will I die, Coach? Number 28 on this play is a large, round ball with the number 28 written in it. Assuming that 28 ball is solid, I got no chance—he’ll flatten me and break all my noodly limbs. What if you drew me like a ball, Coach? I’d miss having limbs to move with, but at least I’d be alive if I take a hit from 28. I could relate more to that, I think.”
Brady, in the past, has also had problems relating to Belichick’s unconventional representations of him as an X or an O in plays. Brady has stated multiple times that he relates best to a tiny, chiseled figure of Tom Brady, though he cannot relate with being the size of a human thumbnail.
“I, I don’t know Coach, this stick figure’s existence is so fundamentally different from my own that I’m not sure I understand its motivations,” stated Brady, running his non-stick-figure fingers through his non-line-segment hair. “Does it know that it’s just going onto the field to be snapped in half? What is making me want to snap my brittle pipe torso in half? Can stick figures feel self-loathing? Can stick figures accrue multimillion-dollar NFL contracts? Would stick figures feel ethical accepting said contracts, if they could? I wish I knew, Coach. I wish I knew.”
At press time, Brady could not be reached for further comment, as he was being carried out on a stretcher after his arms, legs, and torso were broken in half by multiple large, round balls with numbers painted on them.
