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In recent news, a 30-year vow of silence at a local all-white monastery was nearly broken during the impromptu playing of “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond.
“It was like holding back a sneeze,” wrote Frank George Sr., a silent monk who had started a trend of knocking on the table during the “pum, pum, pum” part of the song. “I’ve never been closer to breaking my vow, and to be honest, if there’s one thing I miss the most, it’s singing that song.”
“I knew that if one of us broke, it would all be over,” wrote Brett Miller, a middle-aged white man who had been forced to merely tap his New Balance sneakers along to the beat. “I’ll admit it—one more second, and I might have started whispering it. Just writing it down here for the newspaper makes me want to belt it all out, to hell with my solemn oath.”
At press time, an all-Smurf monastery’s vow of silence was shattered in seconds by Eiffel 65’s “I’m Blue.”
