Partly Cloudy, 64°
At approximately 9:00 p.m. yesterday, California resident Rachel Jenkins was sighted covertly leaving an industrial campus in a Mercedes Benz, a gesture that witnesses believe is an indication of her harrowing job addiction.
“I once walked in on her working as the CEO of a large, successful corporation,” stated her older brother, Stanley Jenkins. “She tried to rip off her pantsuit, throw on some yoga pants, and shove her company computer into them. None of us were falling for it.”
According to friends and family, the road to retirement has been a tough one for Jenkins.
“She would drive across the state just to get her hands on a cool new tech start-up, and then stay there working for hours at a time as their new CEO,” stated her ex-husband Gary Berg. “She’d come home so late at night, and you could see in her bloodshot eyes that she had just hired and trained about 25 fresh college grads.”
“How much do you think she charged per year for those guys? 100K? Definitely the most expensive stuff on the market,” added her brother. “It’s terrible to know that she spread her poison to so many innocent youths around her.”
“I swear to God, I once saw her volunteering at a local food bank,” her ex-husband continued, cracking his knuckles. “A goddamn food bank. How far was she willing to fall before asking for help?”
Jenkins is rumored to hold an unspeakable number of degrees, and will let no one get in her way while trying shamelessly to acquire more leadership positions. She has recently been followed closely by police, who are enthusiastic about convincing her that she would make an outstanding addition to the force.
“She shouldn’t have mixed high-profile jobs the way she did,” stated her father, Matthew Jenkins, flanked by his crying wife. “Working as an adjunct professor, a member of the board of trustees of various large corporations, a fireman and a neurosurgeon was bound to mix her up in the head.”
“She wasn’t thinking straight. I couldn’t take it anymore. My lawyer and I won an easy battle to get me full custody of the kids,” stated Jenkins’ ex-husband. “Rachel did a fantastic job working as my lawyer, and as the judge she granted me a very appealing divorce settlement as well as generous child-support. It’s a miracle we got the kids out of that kind of corrosive environment.”
Although Jenkins has hit upon hard times, her family continues to remember her as a hard-working, dedicated individual.
“Some people just have that kind of personality,” stated her brother, staring pensively out a window. “I hate to say it, but someday we’re going to see her weathered face splattered across some poster advertising a high-grossing lecture series. A cautionary tale if I ever saw one.”
