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Last Tuesday morning at approximately 1:30 p.m., Jeremy Holdem '12 reported a disturbing incident to the Brown University Emergency Hotline: his bike lock had been stolen, and with it, his soul.
"Of all the things they could have taken - my collection of vintage troll dolls, my kidneys, my bike - they stole my bike lock? Those heartless bastards."
According to eyewitness reports, Holdem's reaction was nothing short of alarming. He was initially struck with an unwavering case of denial. Michaela Rodriguez '13 reports Holdem's frantically twisting at invisible dials like a deranged mime, earnestly attempting to release the bike lock he claimed had "just become invisible for the time being." Rodriguez also recalls reports Holdem's stabbing at his bike viciously with a key in an attempt to locate the lock. The bike was left in critical condition from the inadvertent keying, and Holdem's denial quietly turned into depression.
Although the data is unconfirmed at the time of publication, police reports indicate Holdem called DPS over 171 times within an hour, and allegations of lack of responsiveness are underway. In a lone protest, Holdem locked himself to a streetlamp outside of DPS headquarters for a full three hours and led a hunger strike.
The Department of Public Safety failed to comment, but Officer James Baldo contacted the Noser on his own. "Look, all the statistics are there," he said. ?"Holdem's reactions are downright inappropriate; he really shouldn't have been shocked at all. You need to be careful about valuable items at an large institution. Four hundred laptops, 500 cell phones, and 600 virginities get stolen every year. Next time he should be more careful with his locks. That's Safety 101, kids."
Holdem's roommate, who requested anonymity for personal safety reasons, is not surprised by the incident. "Well of course the lock got stolen. First of all, this is Brown, even the thieves are ironic. That day I saw two Schwinns, a moped, and a police horse tied up outside the Ratty next to Jeremy's bike, and they still went for Jeremy's lock. And seriously, I wouldn't even call what he had a bicycle. He just glued two unicycles together and called it a bike. I wouldn't glue two babies together and call them Siamese twins, would I?"
Holdem says he is adamant about bringing vicious hate crimes against protective equipment into the public eye. "I don't feel safe on this campus anymore," he declared. "What's gonna happen if someone breaks into my room? The lock that bolts down my laptop is really valuable!"
Holdem's crusade began by locking down his locks with additional locks, and urging his classmates to do the same. He is allegedly in the process of applying for a grant to teach a course on modern lock-safety called "Let the Bastards Try." More recently, he formed a club called "Bondage for Bondage at Brown University," whose premiere club meeting brimmed with many enthusiastic students.
According to Holdem, there's no turning back now. "I could care less about what people think of me. All I care about is what the DPS is gonna do about my stolen property. Yeah DPS, that's right, you better listen. And if you don't, you better be prepared to suck my lock."
