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The most passionate rescue mission in Brown's recent history occurred yesterday when Fluffy, a fifteen-pound tabby, fell into a manhole at the Metcalf construction site.
"Our first priority is to get Fluffy out of the manhole and back up to safety," stated contractor Frankie Francisco, speaking over the loud wolf-whistles his team was aiming at the manhole. "In order to reach that goal, we need to do everything in our power to make her feel completely comfortable cooperating with us."
"Ay, this gatita needs to be pet!" added Arturo Salazar, a construction worker, yelling into the abyss and shaking his hips. "Come up here and give daddy a kiss!"
Francisco believes boosting Fluffy's confidence should lessen her apprehension about climbing out. "We're in the process of bringing some of her exceptional physical attributes into the public eye so as to increase her trust in men and raise her overall sense of self worth," he said, clenching his fist passionately.
"Mmm yeah," agreed Salazar, before yelling into the shaft, "Lemme see that tail, baby! I could stare at that tail all day long if you'd let me, mamacita!"
He then proceeded to reason with the cat, yelling, "Oh," "Ay," "Mercy," "Daddy like" and "Can I have your number?" in no particular order. He concluded by stomping his foot, licking his lips and clicking pictures with an imaginary camera.
Salazar, like Francisco, believes the team's strategy to boost Fluff's self-esteem is solid.
"She's got to know that there's a whole team of hard-working, passionate men on the other side of that manhole who are 100 percent dedicated to convincing her to climb out and approach us. She's a strong, independent female, and we want to let her know that we believe in her," he explained, sitting on a bench positioned next to the hole holding a bagged lunch.
He added "You're a dirty cat. I'd like to take you home and give you a bath!" before throwing his lunch over his shoulder and fanning himself with both hands.
Yet, while the mission has heart, it is not without controversy. Some passing students claim that the rescue strategy might actually be discouraging Fluffy from emerging, and others claim that their remarks might be psychologically damaging.
Responded a flustered Francisco, "Do they have no shame? Do they want an innocent, beautiful creature to die because she never received the attention she truly needs and deserves?"
Salazar agreed, on his knees, "Baby, you're an animal. I need to wake up with you on top of me every morning."
The team, although wary of critics, has indeed agreed to adopt a slight shift in strategy. Most recently, Francisco has personally volunteered to take Fluffy home upon her emergence, reasoning that she might formerly have been a housecat.
Yelled Francisco: "Come on kitten, what do I have to say to get you to come home with me tonight?"
Fluffy proceeded to hack up a hairball.
