The best stuff on earth may have just turned bitter.
Snapple, the worlds leading distributor of useless knowledge, and occasional distributor of colored sugar water, has managed to ensnare itself in a heated brawl with Nantucket Nectars.
Snapple CEO Rafael Rodriguez allegedly became enraged when he discovered that Nantucket Nectars began printing facts about their quaint, 47.8 square mile island, on the bottom of their bottle caps. "Snapple had the idea first," the elusive executive revealed in a rare interview, "and you just don't steal from the Snapple. We'll bust a Snapple cap in your ass. Straight up."
And so the cap busting began. On March 15, 2010, Snapple released its first Nantucket-themed factoid: "'Real Fact' #359: Dante's Inferno was based on a day trip to Nantucket." This single snap cap had both Nantucket residents and fourteenth-century European historians in a state of uproar, thirsty for revenge against Snapple and its so-called "Nan-fuck-it" campaign.
The following day, Snapple struck again, releasing two equally mouth-wateringly sour facts- "'Real Fact' #497: Lord Voldemort was conceived in Nantucket," and "'Real Fact' #285: Every family on Nantucket must sacrifice their first born child to the bloodthirsty Nantucket Whale."
"Snapple has no right," said frustrated long-time Nantucket resident Marc Larzenberger. "Even though both of those facts are true, we sure do miss our Jimmy. They should go back to what they do best, teaching people useless facts and giving them sugar headaches."
Larzenberger's call for a return to normalcy was echoed by Tim Young '12, who claimed that "People used to go totally apeshit when I'd go into a room and drop a Snapple nugget. 'Vultures can fly for six hours without flapping their wings' - bam, party in my pants. These new facts, like 'Extremely high gravity on Nantucket will crush any visitor under his own weight,' just earn me the stank eye."
However, despite the shitstorm the Snapple Corporation has unleashed, the juice czar shows no sign of backing off. On the contrary, on March 12, Snapple juiced out a new breed of factoids targeting the actual nectar of Nantucket.
"It was horrible," related Justin Jimenez. "Right after I read 'Real Fact' #759: The primary ingredients in Nantucket Nectars are horse urine and tears of small children, I projectile vomited my Snapple everywhere. Imagine how I would have reacted if I had been drinking a Nectar!"
And yet, while many claim the juice giant is abusing its power, the population seems to be beginning to criticize Nantucket Nectars for its lack of retaliation. "I'd fight back," said Larzenberger, "Hell, Red Bull would have gored Snapple right in the back by now" However according to Nathaniel Rosen, the CEO of Nantucket Nectars, retribution is complicated.
"Every insult we throw back at Snapple has to be in the form of a fact about Nantucket. The best we've come up with is: Aunt Gina's iced tea tastes much better than Snapple Iced Tea. But hey, we're working on it. With love."
Yet it seems clear that Rosen's efforts to deal with Snapple's aggressiveness will prove insufficient. Snapple recently leaked a spicy limerick recounting the founding of Nantucket Nectars, and its biting wit is likely to cause Nantucket, from which the last whaling ship left in 1869, to surrender completely:
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who tended to pee in a bucket,
He put it on sale,
Used the profits for ale,
And yelled to the world, "You can suck it!"