Partly Cloudy, 64°
Wait, class! Sit back down. It's only 9:52 for goodness sakes! Before you leave -
Excuse me! Excuse me - I am so sorry. I know I'm late, and I'll definitely make up
the work later, but I just wanted to apologize and let you know that I'm really trying
to get my act together. As a member of this university, and as an esteemed faculty
member no less, it is my foremost responsibility to shape up and stop sleeping
through my 9 a.m. classes.
As you can probably see by the toothpaste foam still bubbling around my mouth,
I've had a rough morning. Most students don't understand that this isn't my only
class - I have to deal with homework, sections, lab reports, midterms and finals in
multiple other courses - that I teach. And all the work my students do really
sneaks up on me - and my staff of underpaid, overworked TAs. Those animated
PowerPoint slides don't just make themselves, you know.
But really, at my age poor time-management is no excuse. Excuse the wheezing and
phlegm, though. And excuse my slippers - I had no idea I was still wearing those.
Class, I really do apologize. I haven't had to wake up this early since high school - or
done such a messy shaving job. How did I ever used to make it to 8 a.m. classes back
then, in the '70s, you know? But that's when attendance mattered. Not that it doesn't
fully matter now, but…
Yet things were easier then. Now, waking up early is nearly impossible,
especially with this roommate and all. I know it's no excuse, but sharing a room
with someone can be so hard - not only do I feel guilty setting an alarm in the
morning, but last night she came back drunk and, what do you call it? Sexiled me.
How am I supposed to get to class on time when I'm locked out of my room
and have to call an emergency marriage counselor at three in the morning?
Enough of that though, I'll cut to the chase - and no, not the high-speed chase I
engaged in this morning when I missed my bus. I need to make a change: a change of
attitude, a change of lifestyle, and a change of - outerwear? Good Lord, no one told
me I was still in my bathrobe! But yes, from now on I will be a new man. I will come
to class without awkwardly patched shaving cuts down my neck, I will come to class
with my underwear on forwards, and I will come to class - yes, I will start coming to
class - whenever our next class is supposed to meet…
Beyond all my petty excuses, I have an official reason for my tardiness. I have a
doctor's note. Look carefully - this document excuses me from University exercises
and gives me permission to arrive to lecture any time I am willing and able. It's
called a Ph.D. And it took me many years of sleeping through 9 a.m. classes to earn.
