Though they invested more than $1 billion in its development, United States military officials have yet to find a use for their gaydar.
Iranians and Israelis are celebrating the end of the hostile and violent relations between their two countries after Israel recently prevented any further bloodshed by bombing Iran and subsequently declaring “no bomb-backs.”
“We were ready to hit them right after they bombed us,” remarked an Iranian Defense Department officer, “but then we heard that they had declared ‘no bomb-backs.’”
“Rules are rules,” he added.
The nation tuned in a few weeks ago once again to honor the tradition of watching the bottom half of Vice President Joe Biden’s facial expressions for one hour every year.
This year, however, President Barack Obama is receiving criticism for standing up in front of Biden’s face in order to try to summarize his administration’s current goals and the problems facing the nation in a long-winded though admittedly well-written impromptu speech.
The adorably emotional man in the movie theater next to Alison James ’13 kept trying to pass off his tears as a knife wound to the eye during their favorite historical drama.
“No, honey, it’s not a big deal,” Cameron Stein ’12 said, holding back sobs and gripping his left eye.
In a broadcast aired on all major television stations this weekend, evil genius Dr. Isaac Napalm announced his intention to seize control globally and render all the planet’s inhabitants powerless before him, right after they lie down and take a rest for a while.
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