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In a broadcast aired on all major television stations this weekend, evil genius Dr. Isaac Napalm announced his intention to seize control globally and render all the planet’s inhabitants powerless before him, right after they lie down and take a rest for a while.
“When everybody worldwide feels a bit tired and decides that they could use a quick snooze before they get on with the rest of their day, then it will be my time to strike,” Napalm said.
“The wise among you will flee the cities, for these will be my first targets,” Napalm said during his plan’s announcement. “Run from their honking horns and car alarms blaring all day long. Make sure your home is cozy, warm and well-stocked with downy comforters, otherwise I may use some kind of freeze-ray to stop you in your tracks. And begin dosing heavily on tranquilizers and Quaaludes, because why not? You’re only young once.”
Napalm claims that he needs very little time to enact his plan: a twenty-minute power nap would be sufficiently long, Napalm said, provided that the nap is partaken simultaneously by every human being on the planet. “In an ideal scenario, most subhuman primates would also be asleep,” he added.
Yet Napalm’s scheme is far from perfect. An anonymous source close to the mad scientist stressed any deviation from ideal conditions would result in a wholly unsuccessful world takeover. “Just one person on their own probably wouldn’t be enough to stop Dr. Napalm,” said the source. “But if that person had the presence of mind to go and wake a couple other people up from their naps, Napalm would fail big-time.”
Even Napalm seemed somewhat uncertain about the plan, which will be foiled if some noisy toddler is crying and making a racket while the rest of the world is drifting off. “Fear me! Fear me! Fear me!” he shouted at the conclusion of his broadcast. “But not so much that I give you nightmares and interfere with your sleep.”
Napalm’s plan is complicated by the various ways citizens of the world define “nap.” “Some will simply recline in an easy chair, shut their eyes and then call that a nap,” Napalm said in an exclusive interview with The Noser. “But that kind of nap is useless for my purposes. For my evil scheme to succeed, I will require everyone to turn off the lights, get under the covers and put on an eye mask if that is what they typically wear to bed.”
Napalm’s plot may seem far-fetched, but representatives from the United States military are not taking his threats lightly. “We will mount a full-scale defense against Napalm, starting with the immediate discontinuance of designated military naptime,” said Lt. General Howard Roswell at an Army press conference held on Monday.
Roswell continued: “Soon, the government will issue an order requiring every American to refrain indefinitely from sleeping, napping and even daydreaming. We’ll outlast this maniac in a war of attrition, if that’s what he wants – even if it means succumbing to a delirium equally harmful to our cause as actual sleep would be.”
At press time, Napalm was cackling with delight.
