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The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Apr 23 2010 issue)

One, Two, Three, Four, Congress Declares Thumb War | Apr 23 2010

During a special session last week, Congress voted unanimously to declare a thumb war against Liechtenstein. Afterward, Barack Obama held a press conference, the solemn words of which, pundits are saying, will "ring in the halls of history for centuries to come and ever and ever, like, seriously.

Providence Resident Screwed Once Again by Housing, Lottery | Apr 23 2010

35-year-old Providence resident Timothy "Tito" Berman was screwed once again by his "housing [and the] Lottery." Berman, an unemployed former gas station attendant currently seeking employment at the Rhode Island Schoolbus Depot, or RISD, found his already frustrating situation exacerbated when the ceiling in his "double," or "crappy two-person studio apartment," located in NP4, the fourth tower of the New Providence housing project, developed a leak in its ceiling.

Americans with Tongue Rings Decry Media Thereotypes and Thlander | Apr 23 2010

A new advocacy group, believing that the interests of Americans with pierced tongues have been hurt by negative media portrayals, recently held a press conference to deal with what they describe as "a long-term thivil rights violation." The group, Americans with Tongue Rings, has the stated goal of doing away with "inthenthitive and thpiteful therotypes, and to instead create a more pothitive image for those Americanth who happen to have metal in their mouths," according to Chief Spokeswoman Jo-Jo Dulata.

In Soviet Russia, Dorms Choose YOU! | Apr 23 2010

[The following is an editorial submitted by our study-abroad correspondent, Sascha Starkovstoy.] Our comrades at University in Moscow have been chosen into dorms in spring for upcoming year of academia. Dorms have chosen students based on what is most suitable for their needs, so all get fair deal, as you like.

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