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The Brown Noser

One, Two, Three, Four, Congress Declares Thumb War

Published Friday, April 23rd, 2010

During a special session last week, Congress voted unanimously to declare a thumb war against Liechtenstein. Afterward, Barack Obama held a press conference, the solemn words of which, pundits are saying, will "ring in the halls of history for centuries to come and ever and ever, like, seriously." The President addressed the nation: "As you may already know, one, two, three, four, the Congress did declare a thumb war against the Principality of Liechtenstein. Obviously, such an action is not decided upon lightly, but after much deliberation and soul-searching, we felt that, as a nation, we had no other recourse." He added, "Cookies and juice boxes will now be served in the Rose Garden."

Tensions between the US and the small European nation had been steadily on the rise since diplomatic relations initially broke down several months earlier, at the International Summit for the Cooties Pandemic. Clarence von Snitzenwolf, Prime Minister of Liechtenstein, reportedly became irate at the President. The Summit's minutes read:

Obama: "I hereby make the motion to tag Prime Minister von Snitzenwolf 'It'."

Berlusconi: "I will-a second that a-motion."

Chair: "We will now open up the floor for discussion."

Von Snitzenwolf: "I challenge this motion on the grounds that I clearly called 'no tag-backs.'"

Obama: "I respectfully inform the Prime Minister, 'nah-uh!'"

A stalemate ensued, resulting in the conference's premature end, as well as the attendee's noted giggles at the word "premature." Tensions between the two countries escalated soon after, as Liechtenstein refused US access to the vast resources in their possession needed to make the coveted Cootie vaccine - that is, circles and dots. President Obama then struck back, telling everyone that von Snitzenwolf has a crush on Sarkozy's wife, even though, according to Swaziland monarch, King Mswati III, "like, everyone totally knew that already click click."

The final blow came just a couple weeks ago, when Liechtenstein authorities arrested an American tourist, charging him with espionage. The US followed the procedures for recovering their citizens, as outlined by the United Nations, putting forth the plea, "Red Rover, Red Rover, send prisoner number 54862G right over." However, the Liechtenstein line would not falter.

Now the two nations gear up for war. Although many experts expect it to be a fierce battle, the American military leadership remains positive. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Michael Mullin, said, "Our boys are tough. We put them through rigorous offensive, as well as defensive, thumb combat training."

Mullin added, "And if that doesn't work, we'll just bomb the shit out of them."

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