The Brown Noser

Opinion (Mar 08 2019 issue)

Even I Think That PETA Is Really Obnoxious by Factory Farm Pig #3276 | Mar 08 2019

Look, it’s not that I don’t appreciate what PETA is trying to do for all of us, but sometimes I just wish they would chill out a little bit, ya know? It’s like, thanks for your advocacy guys, but forcing veganism on everyone through shame tactics really isn’t doing me any favors.

I Can't Help Being A Horse Girl Because My Mom Is A Horse | Mar 08 2019

I know horse girls are the worst, but I can’t help being one. They all have their lightly curled sandy brown hair, shoulder pads, and riding boots, but they’re just pretending. I am genetically half horse. It’s true, my mom is a horse and that is the reason I am a horse girl.

Oh Boy Providence, Do I Have a Treat for You! You’ll Never Guess—It’s More Rain! I Know How Much You Looove Rain! by God | Mar 08 2019

Hi Providence! It’s me, God. You’ve been so good lately. So good that you maybe deserve… a little treat?! Yeah? You like the sound of that? Well, strap yourselves in because I have something up my sleeve that will really tickle your fancy—it’s rain! More rain! I know how much you looove rain! Every time I look down on the beautiful city of Providence, I can just tell that every person down there is practically begging for more sweet, sweet precipitation.

Ok, So Listen, It’s Gonna Be You, Me, Lisa, Devin, Grace, Mark, and Chris and Then We’ll Each Bring One Other Person, It’ll Be Such a Fun Mix | Mar 08 2019

Ok, so listen, for the thing on Friday night, it’s gonna be you, me, Lisa, Devin, Grace, Mark and Chris and then we’ll each bring one other person. Won’t that be a fun mix? We’ll need to make a run to the liquor store before then. We’ll just pay for the beer but then everybody will chip in for their own liquor.

Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones, But The Process Would Take At Least Two Seconds Longer Than Usual Because I Drink Calcium-Fortified Hood Milk Twice Daily | Mar 08 2019

I don’t like to be laughed at. Nobody does. And insults will wring my eyes like tiny dishtowels. But if you resort to force? Oh, if you do– know this: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but the process would take at least two seconds longer than usual because I drink calcium-fortified Hood milk, twice daily.

Whoa, Son, Have A Look At That Marlin | Mar 08 2019

Whoa, son, whoa. Have a look at that marlin. That right there’s the largest billfish you’ll ever see. I think this one’s a grander. Yes I do. A thousand pounds of the Atlantic’s finest. And she’s a fighter, too. Mackerel, tuna, squid– you name it, she’ll eat it.