The Brown Noser

Opinion (May 03 2024 issue)

Your Cellphone Probably Isn’t Working Because Of Bad Reception And Also I Took Out All Of The Little Computer Pieces Inside So Now It’s Just A Hollow Glass Rectangle by Susan Vereft | May 03 2024

Can you calm down for a second? Your cellphone probably just isn’t working because we have spotty reception here. Don’t freak out, okay? It’s just slow internet, and also the fact that I took out all of the little computer pieces inside, so now your phone is just a hollow glass rectangle.

Comparison Is The Thief Of Joy But I Would Kill That Motherfucker For His Jacket by William Roberts | May 03 2024

I know that comparison doesn’t bring true happiness, but I’m pretty sure taking that motherfucker’s jacket by force would put a smile on my face. While you may think that’s violent, I’m not sure if you’ve seen the fit on this one, let alone the detailing.

I Also Hated Brown Concert Agency Until I Learned They Got An Underrated Folksy Brass Ensemble With A Heart of Gold by Undertow Brass Band | May 03 2024

Listen up, folks. I know what you’re going to say, and I completely get it. No one wants their one-day Spring Weekend to be headlined by someone with less than a million monthly listeners. Yves Tumor who? I thought the same thing. Avant Garde music is probably a bad choice for a campus-wide headliner.

If I Save You From Falling Off This Steep Cliff Face, I’d Have To Do It For Every Student by Your Professor | May 03 2024

Look, I definitely understand where you’re coming from, and I empathize with your position. But if I save you right now from this deadly drop, it wouldn’t be fair for the rest of the section. Let’s look at this situation from my perspective, okay? I’m up here, on top of this cliff, and I see one of my students dangling precariously over a steep canyon, slowly losing their grip on a tree root jutting from the cliff face.

If You Don’t Fucking Adopt This Two-Month-Old Baby Golden Retriever Right Now His Blood Will Be On Your Fucking Hands, Asshole by Marshmallow Smiles Puppy Adoption Center | May 03 2024

Hello there! We’re the Marshmallow Smiles Puppy Adoption Center, and we’re super duper passionate about the work that we do. We love taking care of those puppies who need a better home, all while providing the most bestest and warmest cuddles to them in the meantime! Would you like to take a look at our selection? Oh! You have to meet little baby Squiggle.

POINT: Swiper, No Swiping! by Dora the Explorer / COUNTERPOINT: Know You Not My Name? by Swiper the Fox | May 03 2024

POINT: Swiper, No Swiping! by Dora the Explorer Swiper, no swiping! Say it with us! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! COUNTERPOINT: Know You Not My Name? by Swiper the Fox Are you so foolish as to taunt nominal determinism? Dare you charge me with a task paradoxical to my very existence, my discursive being? May the housefly not fly, the grasshopper not hop? How foolish you are to defy God’s logic! You and your anthropomorphic backpack, whatever cursed and malformed being that is, shall never stand against the power immanent in my name.