Can you calm down for a second? Your cellphone probably just isn’t working because we have spotty reception here. Don’t freak out, okay? It’s just slow internet, and also the fact that I took out all of the little computer pieces inside, so now your phone is just a hollow glass rectangle.

It’s probably fine! It’s normal to worry, but, believe me, the reason your phone isn’t working is because the reception is so bad. The other reason is that I systematically opened up the back of your phone, removed all of the electronic beepers and flashing gizmos, put them in my pocket, and screwed the back of your phone back on. I know it’ll start working soon, though! The internet is just so annoying.

I’m telling you, it’s literally because we’re way out here where cell service is hard to come by. You can take it to the Apple store tomorrow, and I’m sure they’ll tell you the same! They’ll also probably tell you that someone made sure to extract each little technology bit, each wire, and each tiny gadget that makes your phone function.

Don’t worry! I’m sure it’s fixable—it’s just a wifi issue! And an issue of your phone being an empty, insignificant lump of sheet glass in the form of a rectangle.

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