The Brown Noser

Opinion (Oct 27 2013 issue)

All It Takes To Succeed In This Country Is Some Elbow Grease And A Few Centuries Of Systematic Advantage, By Preston Cavanaugh, Commodore Of The Barrington Yacht Club | Oct 27 2013

Sit yourself down and let me tell you about the way things are. In this great country of ours all you need to do to be as successful as I am is some hard work and a couple hundred years of systematic advantage. I’m not saying everyone can do it, certainly not! You’ve got to have drive! You’ve got to have backbone! And you’ve got to have been propped up for generations by policies and cultural attitudes that unduly benefit you over your peers.

Sometimes, As Humans On Earth, I Feel Like We're All Just “Lost In Space” Starring Gary Oldman, By “Lost In Space” Director Stephen Hopkins | Oct 27 2013

This vast blue planet on which we live—this rock we call Earth—can sure be an isolating place. We float along in orbit around the sun, our petty human concerns taking precedence, and occasionally we look to the stars, pondering the mystery of it all.

In The Future, The Singularity Will Allow Us To Drastically Increase Human Lifespan Through Exponential Technological Innovation, But Also I Think It Will Make Us Understand Dog Language, By Ray Kurzweil | Oct 27 2013

Centuries of innovation have been building towards a critical moment in human ingenuity that I believe we are fast approaching. I am speaking of the phenomenon known as the singularity. It is the climax of technological advancement that will afford us the scientific means of transcending our own mortality through rapid and exponential technological growth.

I Still Don't Understand What Gemini Restaurant Is, By The Owner Of Gemini Restaurant | Oct 27 2013

Seriously, can someone tell me what’s going on with that Gemini restaurant on Waterman street? The sign says it’s owned by the same guy who used to own Spice Thai Restaurant—that is, me—but I still don’t understand this place. It’s “Eurasian cuisine,” I guess.

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes The Anxiety You Don’t Love Her As Much As You Should | Oct 27 2013

Ben and Christina, sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the fear that your feelings aren’t as strong as hers so maybe marriage was a mistake. Then comes baby in a baby carriage, then comes the dreaded realization that having a baby isn’t going to fix anything and instead you’ve embroiled this poor innocent child in your relationship troubles, and your inevitable divorce is going to force this kid into years of therapy.

Congratulations, It’s A Boy Who Will Soon Be Sucked Back Into The Void Like The Insignificant Speck He Is, By Nihilistic Midwife Jane Martin | Oct 27 2013

Isn’t it precious? I’m sure you’ve been anticipating this moment with great excitement, and I can see you’re very happy. The birth of a first child is the most meaningful thing that can happen in a parent’s life. But that’s not saying much, since our lives are completely meaningless and worthless in the grand scheme of things anyways.