The Brown Noser

Opinion (Apr 25 2014 issue)

You, The Reader, Have Disobeyed A Direct Order! By Your Commanding Officer | Apr 25 2014

What in God’s name is going on!? Our radar is showing that you, the reader, have commandeered a helicopter and are flying it across the 44th parallel—headed directly for enemy lines! You know damn well that this entire operation depends on the element of surprise! If you do not immediately return to base the whole mission is scuppered beyond repair!

Who Is This? Sorry, I Lost My Phone And All My Contacts And All My Memories | Apr 25 2014

Hey man, that sounds like a lot of fun, but one second: Who is this? Sorry, I lost my phone and had to get a new one and also I lost all of my memories and I had to make new ones.

Why Do Teachers Make Next To Nothing While Sword Swallowers Are Paid Millions? | Apr 25 2014

Teaching is one of the single most important professions in the world. We expect our teachers to be the best in the world. And yet? Our teacher salaries are criminally low. I tell you, when I think of a teacher struggling to feed her family while some sword swallower pulls down tens of millions of dollars a year just for putting swords down his throat, it just makes me sick.

You Win Some, You Lose Some, You Crash Your Car Into A Strip Mall Sushi Restaurant Some | Apr 25 2014

If there is one thing I’ve learned about life, it’s life is full of ups and downs. You win some, you lose some, you crash your car into a strip mall sushi restaurant some, and there’s not much you can do about it.

I Have Secretly Written Every Movie I Ever Produced By Harvey Weinstein | Apr 25 2014

Most people don’t think of me as anything other than a bigwig Hollywood producer. And why would they? I co-founded Miramax and The Weinstein Company, and I have produced more than 200 of the most successful and important movies of the last few decades.

In This Crazy Game We Call Life, It Doesn’t Matter What Kind Of Car You Drive, What Your Career Is, Or How Big Your House Is; The Only Thing That Matters Is That By The Time All Players Have Retired At Millionaire Estates, You Have The Most Money | Apr 25 2014

Life is not easy. In this modern day and age, people waste so much energy worrying about trivial things. Everyone thinks they need to be the best at everything, and it’s quite easy to lose sight of what’s most important, namely winning. That’s why, if you ever feel too stressed, just take a deep breath and remind yourself that as long you have the most money by the time all the LIFE tiles have been turned over you will be fine.

The Four-Armed Elephant God Ganesh Gives Girls An Unrealistic Body Image | Apr 25 2014

It is so hard to raise strong, confident girls in this country. You have to constantly make sure they aren’t poisoned by the media and forced to conform to society’s ridiculous standards of beauty. I see my own daughter grappling every day with the pressure to conform to one specific body image, namely the rotund, four-armed, proboscidate illustration of the Hindu god, Ganesh.