Let’s be honest here: student debt is unsustainable. If we want to keep our students motivated, our economy healthy, and our lives, we must forgive all student loan debt so that students stop feeling pressured to become assassins.
Thank you all for being at my press conference today. Before I take any questions, I’d just like to make clear that although the entire team played an incredible game today, I would be nothing without gravity. I can get all the awards in the world, but they mean nothing to me without acknowledging the truly immense role gravity has played in my life.
I want to come clean about something: I messed up big time, and I have no one to blame but my parents, my friends, and my girlfriend. Look, I’ve made some bad decisions. I know I haven’t been at my best lately, and that is 100% on the people I’m close to. I need to move forward now. What can I do but recognize that everyone except me is to blame for my problems and try to move on?
It is on this Gorynx, the most sacred of days, we humans need remind ourselves of our inexorable ties to the goo. As the elders descend together into the corrosive goo trench, sacrificing their lives so that the young may feast on their dying flesh and rise from the goo into our glorious world, we must remember: it is goo from which we came it is goo to which we shall return.
I’ve spent my whole life living in the same small crawlspace. Here, it seems like everybody knows everybody else, and quite frankly, it’s starting to feel a little claustrophobic.
There’s no easy way to say it, so I’ll just say it: I think we should stop seeing each other. Please, don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong. I promise. It’s not you, it’s me. And Jeremy, a man who is better than you in every conceivable way.
You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it again: it’s every man for himself out there. You’ve heard it even more since all the dogs in the world were infected by a plague of radioactive fleas and began devouring everything in sight. It’s a dog-eat-dog, dog-eat-man, dog-eat-all world, but our only hope is to fight back together.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
