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The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Oct 25 2019 issue)

Balloon from Your 3rd Grade Birthday Party Still Lodged In Leatherback Turtle’s Esophagus | Oct 25 2019

Divers report that the balloon from your 3rd grade birthday is still fully lodged in an adult leatherback turtle’s gullet. “Our wondrous dive with these majestic creatures was shattered when we noticed that one poor creature had some red plastic caught deep in its throat,” recalled a somber swimmer, referring to the helium-filled balloon that you once gleefully released into the sky at the age of nine.

Local Alien Glorp Definitely Just Glard Gliping At Gloop Glop Glee's | Oct 25 2019

According to his friend Glinop, local alien Glorp was definitely just glard gliping at Gloop Glop Glee’s. “Glorp glip glyert glamp; gam goort Gloop Glop Glee glard glip glip! Gloy gloot glurt glrip glon,” said Glinop, while glirt gooping outside of Gloop Glop Glee’s.

Shitty Climate Activist's Sign Not Even Funny | Oct 25 2019

Sources reported that area woman Ronda Miles showed up to a recent climate rally with a sign lacking any resemblance of humor, showing just how shitty an activist she really is. “Her sign read ‘We Need Change.’ A simple Google search would come up with something better,” claimed fellow activist Jessica Garcia, expressing her disgust with Miles’ obvious indifference regarding the fate of the planet.

Study Finds Tattered, Coarsened Sea Captains Most Likely to Monologue About Ocean as “Cruel Mistress” | Oct 25 2019

According to a multi-year survey of weather-beaten wharfs all ’round the high seas, coarsened sea captains’ likelihood of delivering gruff soliloquies about the heartlessness of the ocean is remarkably high. “Typically, one can expect the long-bearded men of the sea to have a negative view of such bodies of water,” explained Dr.

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