The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Apr 09 2021 issue)

Study Finds Arthropod Wikipedia Most Fascinating At 4:30 AM | Apr 09 2021

A new study published in the American Journal of Psychology has found that the Arthropod Wikipedia page is actually most fascinating at 4:30 in the morning. “As you all know, arthropods are invertebrates with an exoskeleton, a segmented body, and paired jointed appendages,” said lead investigator Dr.

Boston Dynamics Engineers Teach Robots To Be Ashamed Of Their Freakish Bodies | Apr 09 2021

A team of engineers at Boston Dynamics has successfully taught the company’s robots to be ashamed of their freakish metal bodies. “Last year we noticed that our bots simply had no shame in regard to the terrifying, dystopian appearances we had given them,” said project leader Ed LeFarge, describing the start of his team’s efforts to instill a deep sense of embarrassment in the nightmarish dog-like robots and the grotesque humanoid robots alike.

Vaccinations May First Become Widely Available May First, First May Go Forth May Second, Second May Second First May Fourth | Apr 09 2021

In a recent address to the American people, President Joe Biden announced that COVID-19 vaccinations may first become widely available on May First, with first doses going forth on the second and second doses seconding the first on the fourth. “The first of May may be the first day on which vaccines go forth, but only thirty thousand will be forthcoming at first,” said Biden in his address.

Netflix Login Passed Through Family Like Prized Heirloom | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that the Lambert family passes its Netflix login down through the generations like a prized family heirloom. “I think you’ve reached the age where I can finally give you this, just like your older siblings before you,” said the mother of the Lambert children, texting the Netflix username and password to her son in college.

NASA Announces Plans To Fake Mars Landing | Apr 09 2021

In a press release, NASA announced its plans to fake a manned Mars landing by the year 2028. “Thanks to advances in the relevant technology, we’ve been able to move the timeline up by quite a bit,” said NASA administrator Samuel Ward. “Construction on the Nevada soundstage has gone ahead of schedule, and the video editing technology we’re using to add stars in post-production is nearly complete.” The seven-year goal is the result of years of preparation, Ward added.

FDA Approves First Vaccine Made Of Shrunk-Down Middle School Science Class | Apr 09 2021

In a major milestone in the fight against COVID-19, the FDA has approved the first vaccine composed of a shrunk-down middle school science class. “After extensive clinical trials and thorough review, we have finally approved the first vaccine for COVID-19 which prevents viral infection by shrinking down a fifth grade science class to the size of a few nanometers and injecting them directly into a patient’s bloodstream,” announced FDA chairwoman Janet Woods at a press briefing yesterday.