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The Brown Noser

FDA Approves First Vaccine Made Of Shrunk-Down Middle School Science Class

Published Friday, April 9th, 2021

In a major milestone in the fight against COVID-19, the FDA has approved the first vaccine composed of a shrunk-down middle school science class.

“After extensive clinical trials and thorough review, we have finally approved the first vaccine for COVID-19 which prevents viral infection by shrinking down a fifth grade science class to the size of a few nanometers and injecting them directly into a patient’s bloodstream,” announced FDA chairwoman Janet Woods at a press briefing yesterday. “Not only will this new method provide immunity to COVID, but it will also be a great opportunity for the kids to learn about the human body. This new vaccine will allow children to put on little scuba suits and shoot the mean virus particles with lasers while their kooky teacher sings a song about DNA.”

Chairwoman Woods then displayed a live video feed of the children traveling along a vein. Those listening closely could hear a nervous little redhead say ‘Aww man, why couldn’t we have just gone to the zoo!?’”

“While most vaccines take weeks to be effective, these kids have to be back to their middle school by 3:30,” continued Woods. “We also advise that you don’t accidentally smell any pepper or tickle your nose with a feather while the vaccination is in progress, as a sneeze will cause the children’s school-bus-submarine to shake, shake, shake all around!”

The FDA has also predicted that this vaccine will be in very limited supply. Patients who want this treatment must act soon, as next week the kids will be heading to space on a rockin’ journey around the Solar System.

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