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The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Dec 03 2021 issue)

Nation’s Doctors Announce That Circle Thing On Head Is What Gives Them Doctor Powers | Dec 03 2021

A new report from the National League of Doctors has admitted that the circle thing on doctors’ heads is what gives them doctor powers. “After centuries of lying to patients, it’s time to come clean: we doctors are nothing without the big shiny circle,” reported lead spokesperson Dr.

Mark Zuckerberg Excited To Create World In Which He Resembles Human | Dec 03 2021

Inside sources report that Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg is unbelievably excited to use the company’s new virtual reality technology to inhabit a world in which he resembles a human being. “As he explores the possibilities of the metaverse, Mark has really enjoyed creating a version of himself much closer to an average adult,” said Meta spokesperson Jill Reed, watching a screen on which Zuckerberg’s avatar was getting a beer with an old friend from college and chatting amiably with the bartender.

CDC Confirms You Don’t Need Mask If You’re Sitting Next To Cup | Dec 03 2021

In a televised press conference, CDC director Rochelle Walensky announced new public health guidelines based on the center’s recent COVID-19 research finding that you don’t need a mask if you are sitting next to a cup. “We are happy to say that you need not wear a mask in public indoor spaces if you are sitting next to a cup,” began Walensky in a prepared statement.

Elizabeth Holmes Petitions Judge For Revolutionarily Tiny Drop Of Jail Time | Dec 03 2021

Facing over a dozen federal fraud charges, Elizabeth Holmes, the disgraced CEO of failed blood-testing startup Theranos, has petitioned the judge for a revolutionarily tiny drop of jail time. “I’ve always been afraid of getting sentenced to prison because it’s no fun to take a big, scary amount of jail time,” pitched Holmes, fixing her unblinking stare on the judge and adjusting her black turtleneck.

Mark Zuckerberg Excited To Create World In Which He Resembles Human | Dec 03 2021

Inside sources report that Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg is unbelievably excited to use the company’s new virtual reality technology to inhabit a world in which he resembles a human being. “As he explores the possibilities of the metaverse, Mark has really enjoyed creating a version of himself much closer to an average adult,” said Meta spokesperson Jill Reed, watching a screen on which Zuckerberg’s avatar was getting a beer with an old friend from college and chatting amiably with the bartender.

“Does This Hurt?” Asks Doctor As He Violently Jabs Abdomen | Dec 03 2021

According to area woman Kathy Parsons, local medical practitioner Peter Alden wants to know if her abdomen hurts as he violently jabs it with his finger. “Any pain over here?” asked Dr. Alden as he applied brutal pokes with his outstretched index finger to Parsons’ stomach.

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