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The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Apr 29 2016 issue)

Area Man Spills Water On, Breaks His Electric Car | Apr 29 2016

In a moment of carelessness, area man Mason Daniels reportedly spilled a glass of water on his brand new Tesla Model S, destroying it. “Shit,” said Daniels, frantically trying to wipe the water off his $70,000 vehicle. “I just got this thing.

Mom Definitely Thinks Uber Is Type Of Drug | Apr 29 2016

After months of speculation, children of Denise Campos have come to the conclusion that their mom definitely thinks Uber is a drug. “Yesterday, my brother and I were talking about how often we use Uber since it’s so fast and affordable,” reported Denise’s daughter Sadie.

NIH Grants Scientist $13 Million To Pursue Something Called "Murder Machine" | Apr 29 2016

Lead officials at the National Institutes of Health announced Monday that they had granted a group of scientists $13 million to pursue something called a “Murder Machine.” “We are excited to fund ‘Murder Machine’ in this upcoming fiscal quarter,” said NIH Director Dr.

Predictions Show Population Could Reach 9 Billion By 2050 If Jim And Susan Keep At It | Apr 29 2016

A new report from the Center of Populations Studies predicts that the world population might very well reach 9 billion people by 2050 if Jim and Susan Duggly, recently married residents of Wellesley, Massachusetts, keep at it. “They already have four children, and they only got married in 2012,” said the Dugglys’ neighbor, Arthur Dean, lead researcher behind the report.

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