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The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Sep 14 2018 issue)

New Breakthrough Artificial Meat Tastes, Feels, Suffers Like Real Animal | Sep 14 2018

This week, researchers at the startup SuperMeat unveiled a revolutionary artificial meat that tastes, feels, and suffers just like a real flesh-and-blood animal. “This breakthrough is a critical milestone,” reported Dr. Moratta, a lead chemist on the team.

Area Man Throws An Exclamation Point At The End Of Password Just To Be Safe | Sep 14 2018

Nodding his head proudly as he typed out his new computer password, area man Alan Corey threw an exclamation point at the end of the password just to be safe. “My password is usually just my initials followed by my birth date,” reported Corey, confidently typing out his new password a second time to confirm it.

Local Man Flosses Annually In Attempt To Disappoint Dentist A Little Less | Sep 14 2018

Desperately scraping away at the plaque that built up between his teeth since his last dentist appointment, area man Miguel Arroyo flossed for the first time in a year this morning in a last-ditch attempt to minimize his dentist’s disappointment in his poor dental hygiene.

Shitty Sarcophagus Doesn’t Even Release Plague Of Scarabs Or Summon The God Anubis | Sep 14 2018

In a press release issued on Thursday, a team of archaeologists working in Egypt announced the unfortunate discovery of a shitty sarcophagus that doesn’t even release a plague of scarabs or summon the god Anubis. According to the report, the disappointing sarcophagus was discovered in a previously hidden passage of a minor pyramid and didn’t even produce a swarm of locusts when disturbed.

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