In a violent act of revenge against the University for revoking their varsity status, the women’s equestrian team unleashed hordes of mounted warriors wielding crossbows and spears across campus.
“For our honor!” the heavily armed riders shouted in a vociferous battle cry, rearing their armor-clad horses to trample a crowd of screaming students while shooting flaming arrows through the windows of University Hall.
Sources report that the couple seen in a recent ad for Zorgyal, an anti-aging face cream, would probably not be enjoying their tandem bike if they could hear the side effects being narrated as they ride.
“Common side effects may include moderate-to-severe gastrointestinal distress, internal bleeding, or even death,” stated a deep voiceover as the foolish couple laughed together in slow motion, clearly unaware of the horrors they were advertising on their carefree bike ride.
In light of the cancellation of Ivy League athletic competition, the Brown football team will finally achieve an undefeated season, according to a press release from the athletics department.
“We’re excited to mark this momentous undefeated streak,” said head coach James Perry in front of the team’s empty trophy case in the OMAC.
In a stunning move, Brown University has revoked Varsity status from the men’s and women’s squash teams. The decision was reportedly a necessary financial move to increase the University’s funding towards Ratty squash.
“The plan is called the ‘Excellence Initiative’,” stated President Christina Paxson in a schoolwide email.