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The Brown Noser

Brown Equestrian Team Dispatches Hordes Of Mounted Archers Across Campus To Brutally Avenge Varsity Demotion

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

In a violent act of revenge against the University for revoking their varsity status, the women’s equestrian team unleashed hordes of mounted warriors wielding crossbows and spears across campus.

“For our honor!” the heavily armed riders shouted in a vociferous battle cry, rearing their armor-clad horses to trample a crowd of screaming students while shooting flaming arrows through the windows of University Hall. “Be warned, Brown community! This is what lies in store for all those who dare attack our right to participate in D1 competitions!”

The cavalry reportedly swarmed College Hill and slaughtered all who fell into their path, allowing only a lucky few witnesses to survive and spread the word of the equestrian team’s ruthless response to the University’s Excellence in Athletics Initiative.

“Hear our demands, Director of Athletics Jack Hayes!” the supreme commander of Brown equestrian forces bellowed from atop her steed as she ordered a contingent of her teammates to raze the Olney-Margolies Athletic Center to the ground and lay waste to all those who lie within. “We shall show no mercy, we shall spare no varsity athlete, until our funding and our University support is restored! Until that day, we will draw and quarter all those who stand in our way!”

In a similarly merciless attack, sword-wielding members of the fencing team were spotted commandeering Brown sailing vessels in a vicious battle to reclaim their varsity status.

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