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The Brown Noser

Sports (Oct 30 2015 issue)

Soccer Goalie Has Clearly Been Living In The Goal | Oct 30 2015

Diving to stop a shot on goal from knocking over any of his things, FC Dallas keeper Lloyd Casey has clearly been living and sleeping in his soccer team’s goal. Sources indicate that Casey, who frequently shows up to practice wearing the same grass-stained uniform from yesterday, refuses to acknowledge that he has nowhere else to go and is keeping a two-burner stove, toiletries, and books in the net so he can live there.

Ref Always Trying To Impress Players With His Tricks | Oct 30 2015

Sources report that NBA referee Tom Jenkins is constantly interrupting gameplay in order to show everyone his cool tricks. Although Jenkins is repeatedly reprimanded by his fellow referees, he can’t help but whip out his cool moves everytime he comes in possession of the ball.

Quarterback Insists Everyone Get Chance To Catch One Touchdown Before He'll Throw Anyone Second | Oct 30 2015

Saying that he knew a lot of people were watching and it only seemed fair, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck refuses to throw a second touchdown to any particular receiver until everyone on his team has gotten the chance to catch one. “I’m sure Coby [Fleener] will have plenty of other opportunities to catch touchdowns,” said Luck, who declined to throw what would’ve been the veteran tight end’s second score when Fleener was open in the endzone, electing instead to take a sack for a loss of eight yards.

Professional Bowler Hopes He Never Drops The Ball On His Big Toe | Oct 30 2015

Professional bowler Rick Kaufman, who has competed in the Professional Bowlers Association for 10 years without a sustaining an injury, hopes he never accidentally drops the ball on his big toe. “It hasn’t happened yet, but, man oh man, that would be a disaster!” said Kaufman, adding that he sighs with relief every time he gets a strike instead of dropping the 13-pound ball on his “big ol’ toe” and hopping up and down “like a buffoon.” “I mean talk about an owie owieeee oh! My great big toe would be flattened like a pancake.” At press time, Kaufman was seen pumping his fist because he spared a 7-10 split without accidentally tripping and throwing himself into the gutter..

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