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The University's popular Program in Liberal Medical Education, which admits students into an all-inclusive undergraduate and medical school track, unwittingly accepted 48 prematurely born infants instead of the usual academic hopefuls. With the addition of unripe neonates to the ranks of future doctors, the program has once again been put under question for whether its early decision process is undermining the quality of the medical student body.
"I just don't think you can tell if a student is academically fit for medical school before you know their MCAT scores, organic chemistry grades, and whether or not they have severe autism," said pre-med Marcy Windalow '12, whilst revising dozens of her medical school application essays. "It's just too early to tell if they'll be good doctors."
"Do you like the thought of having surgery done by someone who can barely move their fingers independently, let alone hold their head upright? Me neither," added Windalow.
Defenders contest that the PLME program serves as a relaxed learning forum, by which students intended for the medical field can exploit the New Curriculum to its fullest potential, acquiring a comprehensive liberal education in such topics as anthropological objectivity, the neural basis of consciousness, and the fact that the cow goes moo.
"These medical students will be better doctors if they have the chance now to explore what really matters to them, what's really going on in this world," said Marcy Mindalow, Dean of Admissions, burping a preterm tot with one arm and scrubbing diarrhea off of her heels with the other. "Ed, where's that formula?!"
"Imagine engineering or physics concentrators with MDs. These students are the future of medical ingenuity," said Ed McMallow, PLME advisor, running back and forth between cribs with a gallon-bottle of formula to assuage the cries of hungry underdeveloped newborns, "And just look them. Aren't they adorable? Oooh, where's your scalpel? Oh look at you, does the googoo gaga baby want to analyze this 3 tesla functional magnetic resonance imaging data to determine if I've got tumoree-wumoree?"
"Huh! Where'd you go? Where'd you go? Peak-a-boo! Ahhh, there you are," he added, dribbles of baby vomit crusted into the corners of his sleepless blood-shot eyes.
The current PLME debacle is but one in a series of unfortunate secretarial errors that have plagued the Brown administration for two decades.
"Remember when they admitted actual bears back in '90? And I still can't get the blood off my diploma from that Brown-RISD Duel Degree mix-up. We were literally sword fighting with these weirdo artists for like an hour for our degrees," said Mike Zuckerman '68.
"Or when instead of high school seniors, you know, seniors being students in their fourth year of high school," added Zuckerman, pausing to slap his forehead harder than he had intended, "Brown accidentally admitted 17 Howler monkeys. Oof, what a paperwork nightmare!"
