In a thrilling innovation for alumni networking, Brown’s Office of Alumni Relations recently unveiled BrownConnect- as a service to help alums cut ties with their peers.

“Our previous service, BrownConnect+, fostered mentorship and relationship-building between alumni and students. But sometimes all that mentoring is just a bit much,” said Alumni Relations representative Margaret Brees while RSVPing “No” to six unsolicited coffee chat invitations. “That’s where BrownConnect- comes in. Now, when some snot-nosed freshman reaches out with stupid questions that they could’ve just Googled, I can use BrownConnect- to shoo them away with ease!”

“While networking apps like LinkedIn allow you to add #OpenToConnect and #OpenToWork labels to your profile, BrownConnect- does the exact opposite, with nifty labels like #LeaveMeAlone, #GoKickRocks, and #FuckOff,” continued Brees while turning off all the lights in Alumni Center to make it look like nobody was home. “This makes it abundantly clear to your peers that you have no interest in their career trajectory and would rather die than initiate another overly-saccharine conversation with them.”

“So if you’re interested in a service that will keep you connected with the Brown community without actually connecting with the Brown community, try BrownConnect-,” added Brees as she closed a browser tab with the Google search “how to go off grid.” “Because if there’s one thing that Brown alumni love more than mentorship and community, it’s some goddamn peace and quiet.”

At press time, Warner Bros. unveiled HBO Min for low-quality shows and streaming.

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