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Reports from Wriston Quad indicated that the efforts of the vegan protesters outside the Ratty paled in comparison to the actual food served inside the Ratty.
“You know, I wasn’t very convinced by their posters, but this vile shit is making me seriously consider vegetarianism,” said junior Eric Johnson, using a pruning saw to attempt to slice into a gray slab of “pork.” “Is this even legal?”
“Eating meat is a moral crisis!” one protester yelled, unaware that students were about to undergo a gastrointestinal crisis after eating the Ratty’s soup of the day. “Think of the animals!”
“I used to love meat, but after the incident last week, I’m starting to question that,” added Johnson, who had been sickened after eating Woonasquatucket River Mussels at the Ratty’s celebration of National Shellfish Day. “I don’t think my digestive tract was meant to handle these atrocities.”
“Would you eat dog meat?” asked another protester, who clearly did not know the Ratty’s history of serving meat from whatever animal they found scurrying down George Street that morning.
“I’m a little afraid of whatever that thing labeled ‘ch;ck:n’ is,” continued Johnson, pointing to a congealed, throbbing brick next to the tempeh.
At press time, the anti-sex protesters outside Faunce were less effective than the Brown Consulting Club meeting inside Faunce.
