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In the ruins of an ancient Greek temple, archaeologists recently discovered what they believe to be the original manuscript of Homer’s epic poem “The Iliad.” Upon translation of the millennia-old text, researchers were surprised to find that in the original version the Greek warrior Achilles, famous for meeting his bloody end with an arrow in his heel, was actually killed by an “arrow to the dick.”
It is unclear how the “dick” from the original eventually became “heel” in subsequent versions of “The Iliad,” but a majority of classics scholars have now accepted “dick” to be the oldest and therefore more valid of the two.
As Brown classics professor Dr. Hugh Langley said at a recent press conference, “I’m no longer teaching the ‘heel’ text because it’s simply not what Homer wrote. From now on, I will work exclusively with the “dick” text, and I encourage my colleagues to do the same.”
He added, “Out with the old, in with the dick. No, wait, that sounds weird.”
The discovery has sparked at least one radical change in literary terminology. The term “Achilles heel,” previously used in literary criticism to refer to a character’s fatal weakness, has fallen out of popular usage. Taking its place is the more accurate phrase, “Achilles dick.”
Renowned literary theorist Dr. Gloria Nesting makes frequent use of the term in her latest book of literary criticism. “I think we can say, safely enough,” Nesting writes, “that in Greek tragedy, hubris is ultimately the ‘Achilles dick’ of humankind.”
Similar changes have occurred in the field of human anatomy. At a recent summit of world physicians and anatomists, Chairman of the International Anatomical Society Doug Greason remarked, “From now on, all dicks will be called ‘Achilles dicks,’ just like we did before with the ‘Achilles tendon,’ but now it’s with dicks.”
He added, “The tendon previously known as the ‘Achilles tendon’ will now be called the ‘Frankie Muniz Memorial tendon,’ following the request of an anonymous donor.”
In addition to the word “dick,” the latest version of the original manuscript also contains several lines that seem to dictate Achilles’s last words, which are already famous around the world: “Ouch! He got me. Yep / he got me. Right in the dick. Whew! / That really hurt. What / an asshole.”
The “dick” text, as many are now calling it, has increased sales of “The Iliad” by a factor of five and earned what appears to be a permanent place on The New York Times Bestseller list. Reviews have been overwhelmingly positive,with the exception of several critics who found the text “phallocentric” and “hard to read in the dark.”
