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The mystery of Stonehenge has finally been revealed, with archeologists from the University of Edinburgh reporting that it was built by people putting their legs into it. After decades of theories ranging from the use of logs to alien invasion, scientists have proven once and for all that the heavy blocks of stone were moved by people not being pansies, bending at the knees, and lifting with their goddamn legs.
“We always thought they must have had advanced technology that somehow disappeared,” said Christine MacFarland, lead researcher at the University of Edinburgh. “We figured there was no way they lifted those four ton slabs just using their arms and backs.
“What we didn’t consider is how much more you can carry if you just keep your core tight, bend at the knees, and lift with your bloody legs!”
Ancient etchings on a nearby cave discovered by MacFarland’s team show demonstrations of people squatting while shifting their hands under the slabs, followed by a diagram of these people standing, all the while keeping their backs and arms straight.
“These etchings reveal that you just gotta shut your mouth and quit your whining."
The study draws attention to other mysteries, such as whether the Easter Island Heads were moved with the help of a leader reminding them “don’t forget to breathe.”
