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The Brown Noser

Area Man Reading 2016 Presidential Predictions Blissfully Unaware JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon Has Already Selected Next Five Presidents

Published Friday, March 7th, 2014

Local man Howard Smith unknowingly wasted his Saturday afternoon reading political predictions for the 2016 presidential election, oblivious to the fact that the outcome of the 2016 election, as well as that of the next four elections, has already been decided by Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase.

“I know that it’s only 2014, and two years is ages in politics,” said Smith, completely unaware that the next five presidents were chosen as early as 2010 by a single incredibly wealthy individual by the name of Jaime Dimon. “But I still can’t help myself from looking at potential candidates’ poll numbers in early caucus states.”

“Whatever happens, it’s gonna be really close,” he added, mistakenly.

“I know Christie is getting a lot of flak for this bridge scandal, but I think his message of bipartisanship will resonate in traditionally Democratic-leaning counties,” said Smith, not taking into consideration the fact that Christie fell out of the running for the 2016 election in late 2009, when Dimon managed to find a candidate that hates teachers unions and loves Wall Street even more than the governor. “But with politics, you never know.”

Contrary to Smith’s belief, Dimon not only knows, but has also meticulously handpicked all major heads of state and captains of industry for the next two decades.

“In politics, anything can happen,” he added, once again incorrect.

“Ultimately, it will come down to the state of the economy," Smith said, apparently under the delusion that anything other than Dimon’s will determines the leader of the free world. “If things start to pick up in the next couple of years, the Democrats have a real good chance of holding the White House.”

“If not, hello Jeb Bush!” Smith added, incidentally mentioning the name of the man whom Dimon has, in fact, chosen to lead the United States as commander in chief in the year 2020.

“Globalization will continue to dramatically shift the political and economic landscape of this country. The presidential candidate best able to make the case that he or she has the knowledge and ability to keep America competitive in the 21st century will be the winner for sure,” Smith said, completely ignorant of the fact that Dimon is not interested in America’s role in shaping the global economy, but is, in fact, entirely devoted to selecting puppet leaders capable of ensuring JPMorgan Chase’s profitability for years to come through careful collaboration with the World Bank and International Monetary Fund.

“On a Tuesday in November of 2016, the American people will cast their vote for president,” said Smith, referring to the charade that will elegantly mask Dimon’s total manipulation of U.S. leadership. “Let’s just hope they make the right choice.”

At press time, Smith was speculating as to whether it might rain, apparently unaware that Dimon had already decided that it would not rain in the area until Tuesday of next week.

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