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The Brown Noser

Area Woman Nervously Sifts Through Panties In Back Of Urban Outfitters Like She Buying Cocaine

Published Friday, December 6th, 2019

Anxiously checking over her shoulder as she entered Urban Outfitters’ intimates sections, area woman Carla Mipp was reportedly behaving as though she were buying cocaine rather than browsing the store’s collection of panties.

“She was trying not to look interested,” fellow shopper Meg Buffalo recalled, describing how Mipp was initially skirting around the panties display as if she were meeting a dealer of hard drugs in an alley. “When she started looking through the bins, she kept her head down and didn’t linger too long on one single pair.”

“An employee came over to ask if she needed help, and she immediately dropped the thong she was holding and shook her head like she’d been caught procuring cocaine,” Buffalo continued, adding that Mipp’s forehead was coated in perspiration through the duration of the ordeal. “She was definitely behaving like a solicitor of illegal substances, not a woman hoping to buy a few pairs of panties.”

At press time, Mipp felt the need to insist to the cashier that the panties were for a friend.

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