Saturday, March 6, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Area Woman Slave To Big Chapstick

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

Gliding a fresh stick of Burt’s Bees across her cracked lips, area woman Julia Dupree recently accepted that she is nothing more than a slave to Big Chapstick. “The chapstick companies pump it out, and I gobble it up like a piggy at the trough,” Dupree sighed, recounting how, no matter how many chapsticks she already has, she keeps buying them under the omnipresent force of the lip balm industry. “It’s like I have no control over my actions anymore. The chapstick I buy makes my lips more chapped, so in turn I buy even more chapstick. The system is completely fucked.” At press time, Dupree lost a sister to Big Scented Candle.

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