Strapping himself into the cockpit of the moon-bound rocket ship, Russian cosmonaut Andrei Vlodomyrivich reportedly spent his entire life training for this mission only to share the journey with a literal monkey.

“Seriously? Do you have any idea how hard it is to become an astronaut? There’s no way Regis has a PhD in engineering. And there’s not a chance he knows as much as I do about lunar soil composition,” complained Vlodomyrivich, who had just endured two grueling years in zero-gravity simulations only to be joined by someone whose only qualifications seems to be that he is a monkey. “Wait a sec, did I get bumped off last year’s mission just so a monkey could take my spot instead? What the hell?”

“What does Regis even bring to the table? I have three degrees and a fully developed prefrontal cortex. All he has are thumbs on his feet,” said Vlodomyrivich, preparing to spend the next thirty months in outer space with only a simian for a companion. “We can all use tools, you’re not special, Regis. Oh, and now he’s just smashing every button he can get his hands on, great.”

At press time, Vlodomyrivich and Regis developed a deep and lasting friendship.

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