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The Brown Noser

Atheist Praying Mantis Drags His Hands in Dirt and Wishes He Was Someone Else

Published Friday, April 29th, 2016

Watching his parents begin yet another round of the Apostles Creed on their rosaries, Ezekiel, an atheist praying mantis, dragged his hands in the dirt and wished he was someone else.

Ezekiel started doubting the existence of a higher power in his early teens when he prayed to God that come spring time his thorax would grow to be as large as that of his peers. God did not answer his prayers and subsequently Ezekiel began to veer off of the path upon which his fellow mantid scurried blindly.

“Sometimes when we renew our baptismal vows, I cross my forearms as tight as I can," Ezekiel said. "And when I receive the host I store it in the pouchy part of my mouth and spit it out after mass.”

Ezekiel complained about growing up feeling different from his peers; when his friends were busy camouflaging to dark brown in the forest, Ezekiel told reporters he would stay bright green.

“When people see a praying mantis, all they see is the formation of our hands!” Ezekiel complains, adding that there is absolutely nothing in the bible about ripping the head off of your mate, which his friends do freely.

At press time, Ezekiel was walking back from church among his zealous family and friends, hanging his head and imagining the freedom of being a cricket.

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