Tuesday, May 30, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Clare Maloney-McCrystle

Writer

Clare's articles

Snooty Cow Prays That Her Milk Will Be Made Into Fancy Cheese | Mar 17 2017

Crossing her hooves and hoping for the best, snooty cow Clarabelle Friesiana recently reported that her only wish for the milk being pumped out of her udder is that it will go towards making a really fancy, expensive cheese. “I want people to walk into their local Whole Foods and spend their entire paycheck on the cheese that will be made from my milk,” the ostentatious bovine announced, adding that she believes her milk to be richer and creamier than that of her fellow cows.

Man Preparing To Go On Rollercoaster Can’t Decide If Need To Pee Is Real This Time | Dec 09 2016

Standing in line for the Intimidator Goliath 305, area man Kevin Montanari can’t tell if his desperate need to pee is real this time. “Twenty minutes ago I was in line for the Cannibal Fury 460 and I left the line to go pee but it turns out it was just fear pee” Montanari explained while nervously hopping from foot to foot and crouching down a little bit to relieve bladder pressure.

Elegant Lady Prefers To Drive Car Side Saddle | Nov 04 2016

Sources report that elegant lady Katrina Crystal can only maneuver her vintage Duesenberg Phaeton while perched in a side saddle pose. “I truly can’t imagine driving in any other way,” said Crystal. “From the moment I stopped riding everywhere on the back of my purebred Arabian horse Cardamom and started driving through the winding roads of my estate and beyond, I have been physically incapable of assuming the more typical driving position.” Crystal explained that her rigid yet refined way of driving makes being on the road unsafe for other drivers, as she has very little control over the gas pedal and has never once looked in her right side view mirror.

My Termites Are Annoying But They Are Also My Best Friends | Sep 16 2016

They fly through my air, they crawl at my feet, they live in my cereal boxes, and they occupy my dreams. Yes, to some, my termites could be considered a costly, dangerous, nuisance, but to me, they are my best friends. When I get back to my large, structurally unsound house at the end of the day, I want to know that I can eat dinner with company.

Greedy Little Man Intercepts Blown Kiss, Keeps It All for Himself | Sep 16 2016

Walking through the trajectory of a loving goodbye kiss last Friday, Phillip Wilson, a greedy little man, reached out and snatched the smooch to keep it all for himself. “The opportunity sort of threw itself at me,” Wilson explains. “I was on my way through the train compartment, just looking for a seat, when I saw a loving kiss sailing through the air and thought, ‘I’d like to keep that all for myself.’” Rachel Jones, the intended receiver of the kiss, was incredible shocked, saying, “I’ve never had that happen before—I’m extra bummed because the kiss looked especially romantic in the air…I was gonna save it for my lunch break.” A casual onlooker was impressed with Wilson’s technique, adding that “he shoved that kiss so deep in his pocket that absolutely no one could steal it back.” Wilson expects to save the kiss for after work when he will crack open a beer, put his feet up, and enjoy the kiss all by himself..

Atheist Praying Mantis Drags His Hands in Dirt and Wishes He Was Someone Else | Apr 29 2016

Watching his parents begin yet another round of the Apostles Creed on their rosaries, Ezekiel, an atheist praying mantis, dragged his hands in the dirt and wished he was someone else. Ezekiel started doubting the existence of a higher power in his early teens when he prayed to God that come spring time his thorax would grow to be as large as that of his peers.

Lizard Gonna Need Some Time Before He Trusts New Tail | Mar 11 2016

Saying that he does not feel comfortable just yet, beaded lizard Dave is going to need some time before he can trust his new tail. “I want to fling my body into the air and have faith that my new tail will stabilize my movement,” Dave said, stealing the occasional glance at the stumpy, discolored piece of flesh growing out of his back.

Student Playing Devil's Advocate In Class Actually The Devil | Dec 04 2015

Raising his hand to defend the gender wage-gap, David Bloch ’17, thought of by his classmates as a bit of an asshole, is in fact Satan, the Lord of Darkness. The Devil has reportedly been living as Bloch and arguing on behalf of himself for many years.