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A local baby is reportedly too ugly to have not done something terrible in his previous life.
“Now, I’m no phrenologist, but the shape of this baby’s head has ‘former evil doer’ written all over it,” said infant morality specialist Dr. Leah Goodwin, holding the ugly baby up for all to see the marks of its sinister past life. “Either God or genetics must’ve had a damn good reason to put this baby on Earth with a mug like that.”
“It’s rare to find a case, or rather a face, as abnormal as this one,” remarked the good doctor, turning away from the baby’s wrinkled and twisted visage that only a legally blind mother could tolerate. "Don’t worry, our medical staff will take good care of this baby’s health. And our hospital chaplain is really good at emergency exorcisms.
“Butt-ugly is the technical term for this condition, but I don’t think that term does this little guy justice,” continued Dr. Goodwin while administering a brown paper bag over the infant’s head with the words ‘ONCE EVIL—do not look’ written on it. “We can only hope the homely features of this baby inspire it to grow up to be a better person than he was before.”
At press time, whoever came up with the Ratty pasta bar is definitely going to be reborn as a beautiful baby.
