Despite being widely hailed as a beautiful sign of spring, the chirps of the birds heard throughout the country are actually pretty fucked up, sources report. “It’s good that people don’t understand what they’re saying,” said Louis Johnson, a renowned ornithologist and one of the few people burdened with the ability to understand the horrid cries of the birds. “Listen, I love birds more than anyone, but I’ll be the first to admit that the stuff they’re saying is not okay. There’s no clear political agenda underpinning their calls, but calling them anti-Semitic would be understatement. It is seriously disturbing, and they should be ashamed. They should all be ashamed.” As of press time, Johnson had concluded that the only respite from the evils sung by the birds is the silence that comes with nightfall.

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